Monday, April 13, 2015
Saturday, May 25, 2013
This Too Shall Pass
I found a letter I wrote to myself in November of 2003 about the dissolution of my relationship with my ex fiance 'Alpha'.
I remember after I broke up with him I was so hurt...I put on a strong face for the world but inside I thought I was going to die. I remember putting on a strong face exiting my bedroom with a smile on my face, kissing my son and my mother and telling my father Have a Blessed Day and the tears falling down my face as i walked down the stairs to my car. This pain is so fresh Im crying as I type. I broke up with him, some would say I should have dissolved the situation much earlier and some say we should have never been together in the first place. Doesnt matter because we were together...and when it was good it was GREAT and when it was bad it was the WORST. I think I was 'In Love' and to this day Im not quite sure but I accept everything in my life as an adventure and this is not the exception. You learn a lot from everything IF you're paying attention...
Anyway, we met in October 2001 in Korea-we were the POWER Couple and the most VOLATILE. Our history is of no real value except for to say..We loved each other and from Oct 01 to July 03 we were all we had. Korea was so far away from reality though...we found love in a hopeless place. We shared my twin bed in my barracks room from December 01 to July 02 when he left Korea headed to KY to pack his stuff and leave his wife. Before you judge me I knew nothing of her until March of 02. On her birthday in March he called and told her he had fell in love and it was over for them...EHHHH thats of no consequence either. Our relationship taught us what love could be, should be, and what you dont want it to be...the lesson is beautiful.
Alas after I broke up with Alpha I mourned every day for 4 months-one of my best friends was in Iraq, my other bestie had just gotten married and one of them i didnt even bother consulting because i knew she wouldnt get it (but in retrospect, she would have been the only one to get it actually). I dont remember eating much, but sleep came easy...pop two percocets and drink a beer -I became addicted (addiction is real people) and the Army stayed supplying the good drugs.
The whole point is I wrote a letter to myself, telling me to get it together..that yes life seemed a mess but it seemed a mess because thats the side I chose to look at. I had my WHOLE life in front of me and felt like dying all over love. Ive accomplished some great things since then :) And all because I knew that 'This Too Shall Pass' in the midst of it all I was disgruntled and angry but i knew if I kept moving it would really get better. A lot of people dont believe that adage but it is indeed the truth. You cant call yourself 'Faithful and Trusting in his infinite wisdom' if you dont actually have faith that God works all things out and that he's the only one you can trust.
I remember after I broke up with him I was so hurt...I put on a strong face for the world but inside I thought I was going to die. I remember putting on a strong face exiting my bedroom with a smile on my face, kissing my son and my mother and telling my father Have a Blessed Day and the tears falling down my face as i walked down the stairs to my car. This pain is so fresh Im crying as I type. I broke up with him, some would say I should have dissolved the situation much earlier and some say we should have never been together in the first place. Doesnt matter because we were together...and when it was good it was GREAT and when it was bad it was the WORST. I think I was 'In Love' and to this day Im not quite sure but I accept everything in my life as an adventure and this is not the exception. You learn a lot from everything IF you're paying attention...
Anyway, we met in October 2001 in Korea-we were the POWER Couple and the most VOLATILE. Our history is of no real value except for to say..We loved each other and from Oct 01 to July 03 we were all we had. Korea was so far away from reality though...we found love in a hopeless place. We shared my twin bed in my barracks room from December 01 to July 02 when he left Korea headed to KY to pack his stuff and leave his wife. Before you judge me I knew nothing of her until March of 02. On her birthday in March he called and told her he had fell in love and it was over for them...EHHHH thats of no consequence either. Our relationship taught us what love could be, should be, and what you dont want it to be...the lesson is beautiful.
Alas after I broke up with Alpha I mourned every day for 4 months-one of my best friends was in Iraq, my other bestie had just gotten married and one of them i didnt even bother consulting because i knew she wouldnt get it (but in retrospect, she would have been the only one to get it actually). I dont remember eating much, but sleep came easy...pop two percocets and drink a beer -I became addicted (addiction is real people) and the Army stayed supplying the good drugs.
The whole point is I wrote a letter to myself, telling me to get it together..that yes life seemed a mess but it seemed a mess because thats the side I chose to look at. I had my WHOLE life in front of me and felt like dying all over love. Ive accomplished some great things since then :) And all because I knew that 'This Too Shall Pass' in the midst of it all I was disgruntled and angry but i knew if I kept moving it would really get better. A lot of people dont believe that adage but it is indeed the truth. You cant call yourself 'Faithful and Trusting in his infinite wisdom' if you dont actually have faith that God works all things out and that he's the only one you can trust.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Caught Up In The Wrong Things
First let me say I stole this from someone else....One Ms. Kisha Princess Day but its still a good read and an important lesson for all relationships---friendship, family etc.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. i suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconscio usly I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’ s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divotrce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have afever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction it would have on our son, in case we pushed through with the divorce. —At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. THE SMALL DETAILS OF YOUR LIVES ARE WHAT REALLY MATTER IN A RELATIONSHIP. "IT'S NOT" the Mansion or House, the Car, Property, the Money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Most of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up... YOU DONT REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE!!
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. i suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconscio usly I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’ s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divotrce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have afever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction it would have on our son, in case we pushed through with the divorce. —At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. THE SMALL DETAILS OF YOUR LIVES ARE WHAT REALLY MATTER IN A RELATIONSHIP. "IT'S NOT" the Mansion or House, the Car, Property, the Money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Most of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up... YOU DONT REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE!!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Its Over
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| Batman and I Jan 2002 (Korea) |
Friday, September 16, 2011
IM BAAAAAACK!!!!
I guess I got my Swagga back #Truth
I dont love you hoes and Im back on my toes. Im seeing through all the games and the lies---- Do Me a Favor, Dont Do Me No Favors *Say Cheese*
Just Random
So im sitting in class and since I already know most of this perfunctory UNIX stuff im of course bs'n around checking email and virtual shopping. Im so A.D.D its ridiculous. Im so excited to be back in class and be moving forward with my life. My job ends on 9.15 and although some ppl would be depressed because it is a recession, Im nonplussed. All I can say about that is my years in the military werent for naught and those 6 yrs 3 months and 9 days are surely coming in handy right now. Thank ya UNCLE SAM! Im taking my first certification class starting 9.26 A+/Network+ FINALLY. Ive only been dragging my feet for 2 yrs on starting these certs...shhhh dont tell Chris or he will kill me.
My son will be playing football for PHS this year and I cant wait for the first game to sit out there and cheer my baby boi on!
Moving right along...im feeling some type of way about not going to Vegas to be w/ a friend of mine for her nuptials behind what I see now as a minor dispute. I cant get that memory back and I feel ultra fucked up about it. Now what I will say is I hate that my position in life seems to always be the bigger person. I have to be the most understanding and forgiving all the time and IT SUCKS!!! Doesnt help my bipolar disorder (not documented in any records lol, no medication yet) one bit. On the one hand of course I always want to be compromising and on the other hand Im mean as a rattlesnake but I try to keep that part buried especially with ppl I love simply because you never want to hurt the ones you love but they so often end up being the ones who hurt you the most. Ehhhhh... Im rambling. One thing that i wanted to commit to memory before I post/publish is I hate when you find out information about ppl that are your 'friends' via Social Networking sites instead of through their mouths... smh. Oh well is my Winter time attitude! Fall/Winter promise to be pretty interesting and entertaining and of course my attitude is FULLY conducive :) Let the Games Begin!
My son will be playing football for PHS this year and I cant wait for the first game to sit out there and cheer my baby boi on!
Moving right along...im feeling some type of way about not going to Vegas to be w/ a friend of mine for her nuptials behind what I see now as a minor dispute. I cant get that memory back and I feel ultra fucked up about it. Now what I will say is I hate that my position in life seems to always be the bigger person. I have to be the most understanding and forgiving all the time and IT SUCKS!!! Doesnt help my bipolar disorder (not documented in any records lol, no medication yet) one bit. On the one hand of course I always want to be compromising and on the other hand Im mean as a rattlesnake but I try to keep that part buried especially with ppl I love simply because you never want to hurt the ones you love but they so often end up being the ones who hurt you the most. Ehhhhh... Im rambling. One thing that i wanted to commit to memory before I post/publish is I hate when you find out information about ppl that are your 'friends' via Social Networking sites instead of through their mouths... smh. Oh well is my Winter time attitude! Fall/Winter promise to be pretty interesting and entertaining and of course my attitude is FULLY conducive :) Let the Games Begin!
Changes I Been Going Through...
Well August sparks a lot of changes for my lifestyle. School starts for me and my baby boi on the same day, Im moving in a few days, my job is about to end soon...I have to adjust to having my son back in my household which translates to dealing w/ crazy 16 yr old boy emotions and manipulation lol. I actually look forward to it, my son keeps me sharp! Im glad he broke up with his girlfriend- those trips to Annapolis were getting overly tedious and that lil girl was pushy and partly since he's my only child i think he should dote on Mommy not some chick he isnt going to remember in 5 yrs :). I have to give her credit she put up with that childs antics for 2 yrs and since I know my son is a lot like me when it comes to relationships-that had to drive her super crazy! I feel bad that I jaded my son...well sort of, these little girls are up to no good at an early age and I dont need T Brice falling into any traps!
Discernment
A woman would be much better off if she could distinguish the difference between a man that flatters her and a man that compliments her. A man that spends money on her and a man that invests in her. A man that views her as property and a man that views her properly. A man that lusts after her and a man that loves her. A man that believes he is God's gift to women and a man that REMEMBERS a woman was God's gift to man. Know your self worth. God doesn't make junk, God makes jewels....
Sunday, July 24, 2011
There Is No Competition...
My mind has been on overload trying to organize my thoughts in order to write something. Its not that I don't have plenty of ideas its organizing these ideas that's the problem (I have way too many thoughts flooding at once!) So after realizing a new acquaintance is a Devious Bitch (well I knew that but realized the depths of it yesterday), having a convo with my girl Cat and reading Nova Giovanni's newest blog entry 'Crabs In a Bucket: Who Are The Crabs In Your Life?' (novagiovanni.wordpress.com) I decided on this. i want to say my title is in no way conceited, it simply means that I do not compete w/ anyone because there is no one on EARTH that has my same mindset and my same goals; not that I have astronomical dreams or am some genius but My Life is simply My Life! God is laying these blueprints (although I VERY OFTEN fall off this path) and his plan for me is unique to ME. I don't believe I should have any haters...I'm human, make mistakes, and get myself into MADNESS all the time, furthermore I work for the things I want and truly believe that I am the only thing standing in the way of what I want--therefore there is no need to hate on me or how I'm living because I'm just working what I was given...GOD seen fit to put me in certain positions and sometimes I capitalize and sometimes I mess it up DRASTICALLY!!!! Alas I'm still living and learning and whenever I get an opportunity I'm sharing my so called 'wealth' with friends and strangers alike...so why hate me? Why imitate my crazy life or better yet attempt to? I know this is going to sound all 'Kumba Ya My Lord' but it escapes me how we just wont work together for the betterment of each other. I congradulate people when they are doing well and i dont quite understand people who dont. Its hard enough to walk out in faith in any situation and if you try and succeed you have to applaud that. Alas, everyone doesnt feel the same...the only thing I can say is Poor You if you pick me to gossip about,hate on or compete with because Im just an Average Chick, With My Own Goals, My Own Flaws and im just living the Average life with plenty of laughter and hijinks thrown in. Instead of being focused on what someone is doing people need to learn to create what they want. Sounds type easy and it is...set yourself on a path and Go-----> Theres no one holding you back but you! Envision, Plan, Execute...only reason it isnt done yet is that we're all afraid to make that first step:)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Dealing with the Pain
Im a 95% happy person, well maybe 85%.... I rarely let anything get me down for long. But there are somethings that stick in my spirit and I cant seem to shake. In the moments when Im not multi-tasking or doing anything to occupy my time those things in my spirit-balloon, fester, agitate and irritate. I hate that! I hate that I have no control over this particular situation, I hate I cant make the thoughts go away. It happens so rarely but when it does #Ugh. I have a way to deal with it... I immerse myself in the pain until Im numb. Sounds crazy right? Its effective to a point though. I take whatever reminds me of the situation and/or person and flood myself with it-make myself memorize and conjure up every good, bad or indifferent detail and replay it in my head. If its a person I make friends again with this person and document every detail abt them that makes my skin crawl, every lie they tell/told, and odd behaviors and observe as they display these behaviors at will. Whereas before it would make me angry; in the immersion stage Im completely unaffected. I just observe, take mental note and ponder.At this point Im losing nothing because Ive already put them in a 'box" and have decided to 'love from a distance'. It always makes me smile (thats twisted right?) I think im always amused at the end of the day at the things/people I deal with even if it turns out to be a looney situation: 1. Because im always thinking "How the hell did you get into this and where was your head at the time" 2. : I survived it, I came out no more crazy than when I got in the situation. But as I am applying this "Immersion" technique at this very point I realize It makes me a little cold... Who wants a cold heart? Not me! I pride myself on being empathetic/sympathetic and compassionate but peoples abuse of these qualities in me make me want to turn it off sometimes. Until Im thinking clearly again and realize God built me the way I am for a reason. If I allow peoples antics to change who I am then I let them win over God---Im already letting the Devil win enough by wavering on my mission to do the right thing all the time. So....in the midst of a situation where I need this technique the most Im questioning the technique...*sigh*. I swear its hard doing the right thing just a little bit! Im trying to self-check my attitude, my reactions, my sarcasm, and this refraining is tiresome to say the least. Somebody pray for me...I need it.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Back At One
So today, I broke up with my boifriend. First one I had in 4 yrs and it took approximately two months for me to call it quits. Before you call me fickle, let me explain something that you may have gleaned from my previous blog posts. I have dated, been involved with, and befriended some nutcases in my 35 yrs (19 dating yrs) and although I adore all the nutcases in my past (well most of them anyway) If anything they taught me its What i Dont Want! At 35 Im pretty sure of what Im looking for and I know if I settle for less then thats exactly what Im going to get-LESS! Ive reached out to my stable minded male friends and have asked "what am I doing wrong" because I internalize issues and am not under the guise that all of them could be the problem. I AM the Common Denominator and At some point you have to look at self. Katt Williams said (well i think it was him) 'We as women always running around saying Niggas aint Shit but what we need to say is The Niggas I Fuck With Aint Shit and figure what it is about your pussy that keeps attracting Aint Shit Niggas'. Shits hilarious and a little bit true. My male friends always say "Yogi, its not you...the right person will come along and will be exactly who you need him to be and until then when you see some bullshit just run in the opposite direction." So my motto is, as soon as the bullshit starts-Im Out! TAD (my ex) is the first to see that Im not about them games lol. I have to say he had it going on...but one thing I cant stand is a non-communicating MAN! Now him being a Physician's Assistant I know that shit gets hectic but just like he was calling me 4 times a day previously (which was quite irritating by the by) and texting every free moment and now all of a sudden commo is virtually nonexistent. i can take a slow down but Sheesh. i tried for a while to actually be the initiater of conversation; calling him first and texting him but after so much of that i felt he was only being reactionary (and who wants that?) Did I expect we were going to talk 4 times a day everyday for the rest of our lives? (GOD NO...i'd have hated that) but what I did expect is a convo abt us overwhelming each other when we both have busy schedules and for him to be honest when I broached the subject of the slow down. INSTEAD i got "The honey its only your imagination" speech. What THE Fuck?! No Im looking in my call log and realizing we arent talking for days at a time idiot! Am I big phone person, No...Id rather not spend my days with an earpiece plugged in or a hot ass phone strapped to my ear but Communication is Key in any relationship and definitely in any relationship Im going to participate in. We can email, Skype, IM, text, sext, talk, send a carrier pigeon, and/or a kite but we Gotz to Communicate! In our situation especially because he's in Tennessee and Im in Maryland *sigh* Now yall may think that im going H.A.M over just some phone calls (and if you do, you're simple as hell lol) but i will have to say Naw B! if at two months our communication is already slack how will it be in say 2 yrs? Then 5? Then 10? And then theres also the suspicion of other issues...how did we go from one point to the other so quickly? The answers lie in his head and since Ive asked and been denied the answer i feel like Ive done all I can do *shrugs* My job as the girlfriend/woman/wifey is not to beg for info that should be readily available. The silliest thing ever is when he calls me and tells me he had an interview at John Hopkins and Im like Word? (Lacking all enthusiasm because we havent had a convo concerning him moving to MD mostly because we arent talking on a regular) now dont that seem ass backwards? We arent talking but you're moving to MD? Hmmm why is that sir?) Go FUCKING FIGURE! Now i wont say Niggas Aint Shit but that thinking process? Maaaaaan it leaves much to be desired!Although I went on and on about communication of course I have other issues. Communication was the start and him being the reason Im not in New Orleans at Essence Music Festival drunk watching Usher perform right now is another. (I hate travelling with other people I swear!) and also....well hmmm Im kinda sorta still a little bit in love with someone else.... I dont see me and this person together, because honestly he drives me OD Bonkers most days (swear thats why i love him most smh) and he hasnt made the changes (nor may he ever) that I need/want to commit myself to him fully. But I cant live a lie, I love TAD (my ex) but am in love with someone else and until I can fall out of love effectively and totally I wont fake a relationship with another man. Since I love hard-dont know when thats going to be but Im sure I can come up w/ plenty of activities that will sufficiently keep me occupied til that happens. and to be completely honest I think Ive resigned myself to the shared thinking of the Artist formerly known as my "Twin" when I previously teased him about him being Single For Life he simply stated "no prob with that anymore. ive accepted it" . Im getting used to the fact that if I havent found Mr. Right yet...I may not ever: the dating world is getting worse, im used to doing things by myself or with my girlfriends or with my son or my platonic male friends and im definitely used to sleeping alone and making my own decisions. Now sex is VERY IMPORTANT but im seriously pondering male escorts for my needs in that area (dead ass) because its easier *shrugs* I pay for what I want and all that emotional baggage can stay at the curb far away from me. This is not what I intended out of life but Life Comes At You Fast, so you gotta roll with it or get run over and Me? Im trying to stay ahead of the curve :)
Disclaimer: I can not say that there wont be run on sentences, grammatical errors and such nor that this will make sense to any of you but I cant wait for years from now I read this blog and laugh my ass off because I realize I ate my words at some point or changed my point of view down the road or just down right silly to sit and write this at all!
Monday, June 13, 2011
My Boifriend is A Serial Killer
Odd way to start off a blog right but as exciting as they may sound my Boifriend is NOT a serial killer (I Think). Something is wrong w/ that man though or its something terribly wrong with me(quite possible lol). I say my boifriend is a serial killer because I havent found anything majorly wrong with him aside from his abandonment issues-which I did... sort of.... cause... but I digress....Anyway, back to why Im starting to think he's a serial killer...this dude has no major issues or flaws that I have come across yet. I have known him for 10 yrs and he has always been the Sweetest guy (probably why I broke up with him back in the day *sad but true*) He's 34, no kids (NONE HA!), Christian(practicing), coaches AAU Basketball and Baseball, Is a Kappa and a Mason, has a Great job, his own place, 2 cars (paid for), opens car doors, doesnt raise his voice, pays for everything, is waiting on sex (didnt know they still did that huh?) and is an all around sweetheart! So in my twisted head since Im used to dating knuckleheads I surmise that TAD (his initials) HAS to be a Serial Killer or Gay or a Pedophile or something cuz they dont make men like this anymore do they? How sick and sad is it that Ive dated so many crazies that when someone of value comes along I question his motives, sanity, motivation etc... Pretty sick and sad *sigh*
While I am in the midst of not self-sabotaging (ok i did a little self sabotage, im only human sheesh) I am going to enjoy my time with him. I havent had a boifriend since 2007 and he stepped right in and is doing all the right things :) I guess after waiting 10 yrs to be with me - he's not taking any chances with losing me again. I love it, Im excited and pray for me! I dont wanna mess this up by accusing him of being a Serial Killer when He's just a King-doing His Thing, THE RIGHT WAY :)
While I am in the midst of not self-sabotaging (ok i did a little self sabotage, im only human sheesh) I am going to enjoy my time with him. I havent had a boifriend since 2007 and he stepped right in and is doing all the right things :) I guess after waiting 10 yrs to be with me - he's not taking any chances with losing me again. I love it, Im excited and pray for me! I dont wanna mess this up by accusing him of being a Serial Killer when He's just a King-doing His Thing, THE RIGHT WAY :)
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
To know me is to love me
To know me is to love me but u relegate me to the fallacies and formalities already conjured in your head...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Falling Off
Of course my ADD kicked in and I forgot abt my blog but Here I Am Again!!! So my title pretty much describes me falling off from writing and me falling off my rocker! Apparently im not making good decisions in the love department--rest of my life is A-Ok but love eludes me *sigh* Im in love (i think...im pretty sure) and of course Im in love w/ a JackAss (its only right i suppose). Im always sitting here w/ all these overwhelming feelings of picnics, and flowers and daisies and birds chirping and shit but this bastard wont even call me of his own volition! I liked a group on FB (The Relationship Playbook) and this forum is making me see more than ever how much of a jackass he is! he's not courting me, im courting him and Where the F*ck They Do that at?! Obviously around here *big sigh* Strange thing is im not a product of low self esteem...Im an Intelligent, Beautiful Black female with a great job, great son, good friends but when it comes to love ap parent ly Im jacked up! This man is treating me like some hood rat! He doesnt talk down to me or hit me but am I wrong to think that when you have something good you embrace it, you love it, you take care of it? UNLESS he doesnt think im something good...and thats what it adds up to me. We dont talk on the phone often, we dont text often, we go out here and there but mostly because I invite him places---no not mostly ALWAYS! i dont think this fucker has invited me anywhere of his own accord!!! Fuck My Life! Do you want to know what his excuse is? Im an asshole (I see), Ive been like this most of my adult life (nonchalant). When i ask why he never invites me to his "events" his says I dont do much. I KNEW I should have run when this joker said "I wouldnt date myself" and seriously I think thats abt the most sincere shit he has said to me! I understand being jaded ...ive had to deal w/ some crazy exes and have had my heartbroken BUT i wont allow their piss poor treatment to taint how I love the next man. Im so disgusted with myself for even letting myself get close to him. Everytime I try to leave him alone he tells me that 'He's a work in progress' or he's really trying to change---and my super stupid ass falls for it. Its not that im lonely or some silly little girl because I have great friends who entertain me fabulously and that i can talk to day or nite. Im pretty sure its the challenge, Im a little bit spoiled and used to getting my way but he hasnt bent nor broken for me in the slightest and that would be ok IF i was asking for something out of the ordinary! Im not asking for money, cars, clothes, for him to take me on vacation or any of that; just show a little more interest make me feel like a Princess (better yet the Queen that I am) and we'll get along! But the sad truth is I didnt hold him to a standard and thats what I get for not doing so! Valuable lesson learned today Yolo but I shouldnt have allowed myself to be treated in such a manner in the first place!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Clarify
I guess this is my introductory blog since my last was informational and didnt really tell you anything about me. The mundane facts are Im a single black female 34, single parent of a 15 yr old, out here fighting the good fight to stay above water, have some semblance of decorum, moral fiber, religious depth and common sense. I have flaws just as anyone else does but I am confident in my intelligence, personality and the fact that if you dont get along with me "Its You, Not Me" lol. I hate criticism but will take it in stride if I know its coming from a good source aka Someone I trust or someone who has no apparent agenda. I work full time in the Government/IT Field and am looking to receive more certifications in this area. I never graduated college, its on my agenda because my mom as a single parent with two kids in tow (literally) received two different degrees. I dont think that I am bougie but I like what I like.I entertain drama from time to time but only very little my head cant take much of it now that im old. I know this is alot but this blog is also a way for me to look back at myself and laugh or reflect on how i was feeling at a particular time in my life. I kinda need this and hopefully i wont get my usually overdose of ADD and forget that it exists. Pray for me lol I need it. I love my friends all of them...most of them are crazy as hell but so am I so I guess thats why we pretty much get along. I have a big heart but it beats quiet (lol Tyga -Deuces). I easily get my feelings hurt but am quick to recoup them because no one is worth my tears at this point. Ive done enough crying for a whole lifetime. I miss my mom, I miss my auntie Melissa #ugh but i still wont cry. The men in my life Tracy (my spoiled rotten kid), DJ (my lovely but utterly crazy bff), my dad and my brother (the Georges) are my world but they get on my nerves. I thought I understood men but I dont...and at this point Im tired of trying to understand. I always meet these men who swear they are such in touch with their feelings and are #Bosses but are no where near that mark. I can work with imperfections but im going to need you to admit you're imperfect and grant me some understanding por favor. At any rate this is enough about me...Lets get on to the rest of this blog which is "More About Nothing" (stolen from Wale ha)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Truth About Our Youth and US
The reality of that horrible event is but another testament to the horrible teachings that we, the Black Community, collectively teach our children by failing to teach them to "walk away."
Notice how many people were just standing around watching. The young man holding the cell phone, or next to the person holding the cell phone is a worthless, shameful example of the type of Black youth that society shuns. What kind of young man stands watching with a cell phone within reach (or worse, in his hand) and merely says "Daaaaamn" as another young black man is pummeled with a board, kicked and stomped.
This horrible event isn't a reflection on the mindless antics that this video clip reveals, but rather the collective failure of Black Parents across the United States who continue to fail to hold their children to a standard that is above, or equal to that of any other race on the continent.
Non of us can hold our heads high in light of an event such as this, and each of us are responsible. We are responsible because if Black parents didn't let their young teenage daughters to date undesirable Black men, and instilled a sense of pride, self worth, and a hunger for better in those daughters, then said daughters would not breed with, nor give birth to, pathetic examples of dull minded young men and women displayed in the video. Black women wouldn't associate with violent, loud, ignorant Black men with no aspirations in life. No plan. No dreams. No intellectual tools that are generally required to succeed in life.
There might have been 20 honor students in the street watching the fight that day, but that is irrelevant, because people do not mentally sort out bullies, from "A" students when viewing the video clip. A significant number of people mentally, visually, and audibly process that fight as:
"Niggers in the street fighting.... Again."
When are we going to learn? A young black man suffered, and is dead, because the Black Community failed him. I failed him. You failed him. We failed him.
1. If his friend(s) would've walked (or ran) away, he wouldn't have felt compelled to intervene.
2. If he would've walked away regardless of what his friends were doing- He would be alive today.
3. Jenna 6.. remember them? What would've happened if they would've simply taken pictures of the nooses hanging from the trees, reported the incident, noted the principal's response (or lack of response) and started having interviews with the ACLU, CNN, Oprah, etc., you get the idea. The power of the mind and pen are instruments that change things. The "Jenna 6" chose to resort to violence, which merely leaves all of us blind; perceived as Niggers-that-can't-ever-learn, by a society that is leaving the Black Community behind, in its intellectual and social wake.
Dr. King would be ashamed ... we already slap him in the face and urinate on his grave, every time we use his name, to denote a street in the Black Community that is run down, drug infested, blighted, and satisfied with "just getting by."
I am saddened by what the video reports, however I am even more saddened by the fact that nothing will change tomorrow, because to the Black Community, his death is an acceptable loss- as if we enjoy seeing Black Men shot, run down, incarcerated, shunned, high, and uneducated...
.. as if we enjoy seeing many Black Women raped, talked down to, cursed out, hit, embarrassed, left alone with kids to raise, and not an accomplishment to their name.
16 year old Derrion Albert is dead.
He is dead because we, as a race of people 16 years ago, were quite comfortable knowing that we (as a people) were not shaping, empowering, nor challenging our youth.
Tell me, 6 months after Derrion Albert's funeral- will the parents of those children require their kids to have a B average or give up sports? Of course not. Will the students see themselves as "lacking" and make it a point to do whatever it is to secure a career, a future, a life that can support a family and the emergencies that come with having a family? Of course not. Will the parents of everyone who was in the street that day, make it a point to REQUIRE their children perform socially, and intellectually like their white counterparts that live on the other side of Chicago? Of course not.
Sad isn't it? One could reasonably gather that we like seeing our Black youth lying limp in the gutter.
Kinda makes me want to pick up the phone, dial 312-747-8272 and tell them that "we," all of us, Black parents, teachers, professionals, journeymen, laborers, husbands, wives, friends.. "did it."
Notice how many people were just standing around watching. The young man holding the cell phone, or next to the person holding the cell phone is a worthless, shameful example of the type of Black youth that society shuns. What kind of young man stands watching with a cell phone within reach (or worse, in his hand) and merely says "Daaaaamn" as another young black man is pummeled with a board, kicked and stomped.
This horrible event isn't a reflection on the mindless antics that this video clip reveals, but rather the collective failure of Black Parents across the United States who continue to fail to hold their children to a standard that is above, or equal to that of any other race on the continent.
Non of us can hold our heads high in light of an event such as this, and each of us are responsible. We are responsible because if Black parents didn't let their young teenage daughters to date undesirable Black men, and instilled a sense of pride, self worth, and a hunger for better in those daughters, then said daughters would not breed with, nor give birth to, pathetic examples of dull minded young men and women displayed in the video. Black women wouldn't associate with violent, loud, ignorant Black men with no aspirations in life. No plan. No dreams. No intellectual tools that are generally required to succeed in life.
There might have been 20 honor students in the street watching the fight that day, but that is irrelevant, because people do not mentally sort out bullies, from "A" students when viewing the video clip. A significant number of people mentally, visually, and audibly process that fight as:
"Niggers in the street fighting.... Again."
When are we going to learn? A young black man suffered, and is dead, because the Black Community failed him. I failed him. You failed him. We failed him.
1. If his friend(s) would've walked (or ran) away, he wouldn't have felt compelled to intervene.
2. If he would've walked away regardless of what his friends were doing- He would be alive today.
3. Jenna 6.. remember them? What would've happened if they would've simply taken pictures of the nooses hanging from the trees, reported the incident, noted the principal's response (or lack of response) and started having interviews with the ACLU, CNN, Oprah, etc., you get the idea. The power of the mind and pen are instruments that change things. The "Jenna 6" chose to resort to violence, which merely leaves all of us blind; perceived as Niggers-that-can't-ever-learn, by a society that is leaving the Black Community behind, in its intellectual and social wake.
Dr. King would be ashamed ... we already slap him in the face and urinate on his grave, every time we use his name, to denote a street in the Black Community that is run down, drug infested, blighted, and satisfied with "just getting by."
I am saddened by what the video reports, however I am even more saddened by the fact that nothing will change tomorrow, because to the Black Community, his death is an acceptable loss- as if we enjoy seeing Black Men shot, run down, incarcerated, shunned, high, and uneducated...
.. as if we enjoy seeing many Black Women raped, talked down to, cursed out, hit, embarrassed, left alone with kids to raise, and not an accomplishment to their name.
16 year old Derrion Albert is dead.
He is dead because we, as a race of people 16 years ago, were quite comfortable knowing that we (as a people) were not shaping, empowering, nor challenging our youth.
Tell me, 6 months after Derrion Albert's funeral- will the parents of those children require their kids to have a B average or give up sports? Of course not. Will the students see themselves as "lacking" and make it a point to do whatever it is to secure a career, a future, a life that can support a family and the emergencies that come with having a family? Of course not. Will the parents of everyone who was in the street that day, make it a point to REQUIRE their children perform socially, and intellectually like their white counterparts that live on the other side of Chicago? Of course not.
Sad isn't it? One could reasonably gather that we like seeing our Black youth lying limp in the gutter.
Kinda makes me want to pick up the phone, dial 312-747-8272 and tell them that "we," all of us, Black parents, teachers, professionals, journeymen, laborers, husbands, wives, friends.. "did it."
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