Back At One

So today, I broke up with my boifriend. First one I had in 4 yrs and it took approximately two months for me to call it quits. Before you call me fickle, let me explain something that you may have gleaned from my previous blog posts. I have dated, been involved with, and befriended some nutcases in my 35 yrs (19 dating yrs) and although I adore all the nutcases in my past (well most of them anyway) If anything they taught me its What i Dont Want! At 35 Im pretty sure of what Im looking for and I know if I settle for less then thats exactly what Im going to get-LESS! Ive reached out to my stable minded male friends and have asked "what am I doing wrong" because I internalize issues and am not under the guise that all of them could be the problem. I AM the Common Denominator and At some point you have to look at self. Katt Williams said (well i think it was him) 'We as women always running around saying Niggas aint Shit but what we need to say is The Niggas I Fuck With Aint Shit and figure what it is about your pussy that keeps attracting Aint Shit Niggas'. Shits hilarious and a little bit true. My male friends always say "Yogi, its not you...the right person will come along and will be exactly who you need him to be and until then when you see some bullshit just run in the opposite direction." So my motto is, as soon as the bullshit starts-Im Out! TAD (my ex) is the first to see that Im not about them games lol. I have to say he had it going on...but one thing I cant stand is a non-communicating MAN! Now him being a Physician's Assistant I know that shit gets hectic but just like he was calling me 4 times a day previously (which was quite irritating by the by) and texting every free moment and now all of a sudden commo is virtually nonexistent. i can take a slow down but Sheesh. i tried for a while to actually be the initiater of conversation; calling him first and texting him but after so much of that i felt he was only being reactionary (and who wants that?) Did I expect we were going to talk 4 times a day everyday for the rest of our lives? (GOD NO...i'd have hated that) but what I did expect is a convo abt us overwhelming each other when we both have busy schedules and for him to be honest when I broached the subject of the slow down. INSTEAD i got "The honey its only your imagination" speech. What THE Fuck?! No Im looking in my call log and realizing we arent talking for days at a time idiot! Am I big phone person, No...Id rather not spend my days with an earpiece plugged in or a hot ass phone strapped to my ear but Communication is Key in any relationship and definitely in any relationship Im going to participate in. We can email, Skype, IM, text, sext, talk, send a carrier pigeon, and/or a kite but we Gotz to Communicate! In our situation especially because he's in Tennessee and Im in Maryland *sigh* Now yall may think that im going H.A.M over just some phone calls (and if you do, you're simple as hell lol) but i will have to say Naw B! if at two months our communication is already slack how will it be in say 2 yrs? Then 5? Then 10? And then theres also the suspicion of other issues...how did we go from one point to the other so quickly? The answers lie in his head and since Ive asked and been denied the answer i feel like Ive done all I can do *shrugs* My job as the girlfriend/woman/wifey is not to beg for info that should be readily available. The silliest thing ever is when he calls me and tells me he had an interview at John Hopkins and Im like Word? (Lacking all enthusiasm because we havent had a convo concerning him moving to MD mostly because we arent talking on a regular) now dont that seem ass backwards? We arent talking but you're moving to MD? Hmmm why is that sir?) Go FUCKING FIGURE! Now i wont say Niggas Aint Shit but that thinking process? Maaaaaan it leaves much to be desired! 

Although I went on and on about communication of course I have other issues. Communication was the start and him being the reason Im not in New Orleans at Essence Music Festival drunk watching Usher perform right now is another. (I hate travelling with other people I swear!) and also....well hmmm Im kinda sorta still a little bit in love with someone else.... I dont see me and this person together, because honestly he drives me OD Bonkers most days (swear thats why i love him most smh) and he hasnt made the changes (nor may he ever) that I need/want to commit myself to him fully. But I cant live a lie, I love TAD (my ex) but am in love with someone else and until I can fall out of love effectively and totally I wont fake a relationship with another man. Since I love hard-dont know when thats going to be but Im sure I can come up w/ plenty of activities that will sufficiently keep me occupied til that happens. and to be completely honest I think Ive resigned myself to the shared thinking of the Artist formerly known as my "Twin" when I previously teased him about him being Single For Life he simply stated "no prob with that anymore. ive accepted it" . Im getting used to the fact that if I havent found Mr. Right yet...I may not ever: the dating world is getting worse, im used to doing things by myself or with my girlfriends or with my son or my platonic male friends and im definitely used to sleeping alone and making my own decisions. Now sex is VERY IMPORTANT but im seriously pondering male escorts for my needs in that area (dead ass) because its easier *shrugs* I pay for what I want and all that emotional baggage can stay at the curb far away from me. This is not what I intended out of life but Life Comes At You Fast, so you gotta roll with it or get run over and Me? Im trying to stay ahead of the curve :) 

Disclaimer: I can not say that there wont be run on sentences, grammatical errors and such nor that this will make sense to any of you but I cant wait for years from now I read this blog and laugh my ass off because I realize I ate my words at some point or changed my point of view down the road or just down right silly to sit and write this at all!