There Is No Competition...

My mind has been on overload trying to organize my thoughts in order to write something. Its not that I don't have plenty of ideas its organizing these ideas that's the problem (I have way too many thoughts flooding at once!) So after realizing a new acquaintance is a Devious Bitch (well I knew that but realized the depths of it yesterday), having a convo with my girl Cat and reading Nova Giovanni's  newest blog entry 'Crabs In a Bucket: Who Are The Crabs In Your Life?' (novagiovanni.wordpress.com) I decided on this. i want to say my title is in no way conceited, it simply means that I do not compete w/ anyone because there is no one on EARTH that has my same mindset and my same goals; not that I have astronomical dreams or am some genius but My Life is simply My Life! God is laying these blueprints (although I VERY OFTEN fall off this path) and his plan for me is unique to ME. I don't believe I should have any haters...I'm human, make mistakes, and get myself into MADNESS all the time, furthermore I work for the things I want and truly believe that I am the only thing standing in the way of what I want--therefore there is no need to hate on me or how I'm living because I'm just working what I was given...GOD seen fit to put me in certain positions and sometimes I capitalize and sometimes I mess it up DRASTICALLY!!!! Alas I'm still living and learning and whenever I get an opportunity I'm sharing my so called 'wealth' with friends and strangers alike...so why hate me? Why imitate my crazy life or better yet attempt to? I know this is going to sound all 'Kumba Ya My Lord' but it escapes me how we just wont work together for the betterment of each other. I congradulate people when they are doing well and i dont quite understand people who dont. Its hard enough to walk out in faith in any situation and if you try and succeed you have to applaud that. Alas, everyone doesnt feel the same...the only thing I can say is Poor You if you pick me to gossip about,hate on or compete with because Im just an Average Chick, With My Own Goals, My Own Flaws and im just living the Average life with plenty of laughter and hijinks thrown in. Instead of being focused on what someone is doing people need to learn to create what they want. Sounds type easy and it is...set yourself on a path and Go-----> Theres no one holding you back but you! Envision, Plan, Execute...only reason it isnt done yet is that we're all afraid to make that first step:)

Dealing with the Pain

Im a 95% happy person, well maybe 85%.... I rarely let anything get me down for long. But there are somethings that stick in my spirit and I cant seem to shake. In the moments when Im not multi-tasking or doing anything to occupy my time those things in my spirit-balloon, fester, agitate and irritate. I hate that! I hate that I have no control over this particular situation, I hate I cant make the thoughts go away. It happens so rarely but when it does #Ugh. I have a way to deal with it... I immerse myself in the pain until Im numb. Sounds crazy right? Its effective to a point though. I take whatever reminds me of the situation and/or person and flood myself with it-make myself memorize and conjure up every good, bad or indifferent detail and replay it in my head. If its a person I make friends again with this person and document every detail abt them that makes my skin crawl, every lie they tell/told, and odd behaviors and observe as they display these behaviors at will. Whereas before it would make me angry; in the immersion stage Im completely unaffected. I just observe, take mental note and ponder.At this point Im losing nothing because Ive already put them in a 'box" and have decided to 'love from a distance'. It always makes me smile (thats twisted right?) I think im always amused at the end of the day at the things/people I deal with even if it turns out to be a looney situation: 1. Because im always thinking "How the hell did you get into this and where was your head at the time" 2. : I survived it, I came out no more crazy than when I got in the situation. But as I am applying this "Immersion" technique at this very point I realize It makes me a little cold... Who wants a cold heart? Not me! I pride myself on being empathetic/sympathetic and compassionate but peoples abuse of these qualities in me make me want to turn it off sometimes. Until Im thinking clearly again and realize God built me the way I am for a reason. If I allow peoples antics to change who I am then I let them win over God---Im already letting the Devil win enough by wavering on my mission to do the right thing all the time. So....in the midst of a situation where I need this technique the most Im questioning the technique...*sigh*. I swear its hard doing the right thing just a little bit! Im trying to self-check my attitude, my reactions, my sarcasm, and this refraining is tiresome to say the least. Somebody pray for me...I need it.

Back At One

So today, I broke up with my boifriend. First one I had in 4 yrs and it took approximately two months for me to call it quits. Before you call me fickle, let me explain something that you may have gleaned from my previous blog posts. I have dated, been involved with, and befriended some nutcases in my 35 yrs (19 dating yrs) and although I adore all the nutcases in my past (well most of them anyway) If anything they taught me its What i Dont Want! At 35 Im pretty sure of what Im looking for and I know if I settle for less then thats exactly what Im going to get-LESS! Ive reached out to my stable minded male friends and have asked "what am I doing wrong" because I internalize issues and am not under the guise that all of them could be the problem. I AM the Common Denominator and At some point you have to look at self. Katt Williams said (well i think it was him) 'We as women always running around saying Niggas aint Shit but what we need to say is The Niggas I Fuck With Aint Shit and figure what it is about your pussy that keeps attracting Aint Shit Niggas'. Shits hilarious and a little bit true. My male friends always say "Yogi, its not you...the right person will come along and will be exactly who you need him to be and until then when you see some bullshit just run in the opposite direction." So my motto is, as soon as the bullshit starts-Im Out! TAD (my ex) is the first to see that Im not about them games lol. I have to say he had it going on...but one thing I cant stand is a non-communicating MAN! Now him being a Physician's Assistant I know that shit gets hectic but just like he was calling me 4 times a day previously (which was quite irritating by the by) and texting every free moment and now all of a sudden commo is virtually nonexistent. i can take a slow down but Sheesh. i tried for a while to actually be the initiater of conversation; calling him first and texting him but after so much of that i felt he was only being reactionary (and who wants that?) Did I expect we were going to talk 4 times a day everyday for the rest of our lives? (GOD NO...i'd have hated that) but what I did expect is a convo abt us overwhelming each other when we both have busy schedules and for him to be honest when I broached the subject of the slow down. INSTEAD i got "The honey its only your imagination" speech. What THE Fuck?! No Im looking in my call log and realizing we arent talking for days at a time idiot! Am I big phone person, No...Id rather not spend my days with an earpiece plugged in or a hot ass phone strapped to my ear but Communication is Key in any relationship and definitely in any relationship Im going to participate in. We can email, Skype, IM, text, sext, talk, send a carrier pigeon, and/or a kite but we Gotz to Communicate! In our situation especially because he's in Tennessee and Im in Maryland *sigh* Now yall may think that im going H.A.M over just some phone calls (and if you do, you're simple as hell lol) but i will have to say Naw B! if at two months our communication is already slack how will it be in say 2 yrs? Then 5? Then 10? And then theres also the suspicion of other issues...how did we go from one point to the other so quickly? The answers lie in his head and since Ive asked and been denied the answer i feel like Ive done all I can do *shrugs* My job as the girlfriend/woman/wifey is not to beg for info that should be readily available. The silliest thing ever is when he calls me and tells me he had an interview at John Hopkins and Im like Word? (Lacking all enthusiasm because we havent had a convo concerning him moving to MD mostly because we arent talking on a regular) now dont that seem ass backwards? We arent talking but you're moving to MD? Hmmm why is that sir?) Go FUCKING FIGURE! Now i wont say Niggas Aint Shit but that thinking process? Maaaaaan it leaves much to be desired! 

Although I went on and on about communication of course I have other issues. Communication was the start and him being the reason Im not in New Orleans at Essence Music Festival drunk watching Usher perform right now is another. (I hate travelling with other people I swear!) and also....well hmmm Im kinda sorta still a little bit in love with someone else.... I dont see me and this person together, because honestly he drives me OD Bonkers most days (swear thats why i love him most smh) and he hasnt made the changes (nor may he ever) that I need/want to commit myself to him fully. But I cant live a lie, I love TAD (my ex) but am in love with someone else and until I can fall out of love effectively and totally I wont fake a relationship with another man. Since I love hard-dont know when thats going to be but Im sure I can come up w/ plenty of activities that will sufficiently keep me occupied til that happens. and to be completely honest I think Ive resigned myself to the shared thinking of the Artist formerly known as my "Twin" when I previously teased him about him being Single For Life he simply stated "no prob with that anymore. ive accepted it" . Im getting used to the fact that if I havent found Mr. Right yet...I may not ever: the dating world is getting worse, im used to doing things by myself or with my girlfriends or with my son or my platonic male friends and im definitely used to sleeping alone and making my own decisions. Now sex is VERY IMPORTANT but im seriously pondering male escorts for my needs in that area (dead ass) because its easier *shrugs* I pay for what I want and all that emotional baggage can stay at the curb far away from me. This is not what I intended out of life but Life Comes At You Fast, so you gotta roll with it or get run over and Me? Im trying to stay ahead of the curve :) 

Disclaimer: I can not say that there wont be run on sentences, grammatical errors and such nor that this will make sense to any of you but I cant wait for years from now I read this blog and laugh my ass off because I realize I ate my words at some point or changed my point of view down the road or just down right silly to sit and write this at all!