Falling Off

Of course my ADD kicked in and I forgot abt my blog but Here I Am Again!!! So my title pretty much describes me falling off from writing and me falling off my rocker! Apparently im not making good decisions in the love department--rest of my life is A-Ok but love eludes me *sigh* Im in love (i think...im pretty sure) and of course Im in love w/ a JackAss (its only right i suppose). Im always sitting here w/ all these overwhelming feelings of picnics, and flowers and daisies and birds chirping and shit but this bastard wont even call me of his own volition! I liked a group on FB (The Relationship Playbook) and this forum is making me see more than ever how much of a jackass he is! he's not courting me, im courting him and Where the F*ck They Do that at?! Obviously around here *big sigh* Strange thing is im not a product of low self esteem...Im an Intelligent, Beautiful Black female with a great job, great son, good friends but when it comes to love ap parent ly Im jacked up! This man is treating me like some hood rat! He doesnt talk down to me or hit me but am I wrong to think that when you have something good you embrace it, you love it, you take care of it? UNLESS he doesnt think im something good...and thats what it adds up to me. We dont talk on the phone often, we dont text often, we go out here and there but mostly because I invite him places---no not mostly ALWAYS! i dont think this fucker has invited me anywhere of his own accord!!! Fuck My Life! Do you want to know what his excuse is? Im an asshole (I see), Ive been like this most of my adult life (nonchalant). When i ask why he never invites me to his "events" his says I dont do much. I KNEW I should have run when this joker said "I wouldnt date myself" and seriously I think thats abt the most sincere shit he has said to me! I understand being jaded ...ive had to deal w/ some crazy exes and have had my heartbroken BUT i wont allow their piss poor treatment to taint how I love the next man. Im so disgusted with myself for even letting myself get close to him. Everytime I try to leave him alone he tells me that 'He's a work in progress' or he's really trying to change---and my super stupid ass falls for it. Its not that im lonely or some silly little girl because I have great friends who entertain me fabulously and that i can talk to day or nite. Im pretty sure its the challenge, Im a little bit spoiled and used to getting my way but he hasnt bent nor broken for me in the slightest and that would be ok IF i was asking for something out of the ordinary! Im not asking for money, cars, clothes, for him to take me on vacation or any of that; just show a little more interest make me feel like a Princess (better yet the Queen that I am) and we'll get along! But the sad truth is I didnt hold him to a standard and thats what I get for not doing so! Valuable lesson learned today Yolo but I shouldnt have allowed myself to be treated in such a manner in the first place!