Monday, April 13, 2015
Saturday, May 25, 2013
This Too Shall Pass
I found a letter I wrote to myself in November of 2003 about the dissolution of my relationship with my ex fiance 'Alpha'.
I remember after I broke up with him I was so hurt...I put on a strong face for the world but inside I thought I was going to die. I remember putting on a strong face exiting my bedroom with a smile on my face, kissing my son and my mother and telling my father Have a Blessed Day and the tears falling down my face as i walked down the stairs to my car. This pain is so fresh Im crying as I type. I broke up with him, some would say I should have dissolved the situation much earlier and some say we should have never been together in the first place. Doesnt matter because we were together...and when it was good it was GREAT and when it was bad it was the WORST. I think I was 'In Love' and to this day Im not quite sure but I accept everything in my life as an adventure and this is not the exception. You learn a lot from everything IF you're paying attention...
Anyway, we met in October 2001 in Korea-we were the POWER Couple and the most VOLATILE. Our history is of no real value except for to say..We loved each other and from Oct 01 to July 03 we were all we had. Korea was so far away from reality though...we found love in a hopeless place. We shared my twin bed in my barracks room from December 01 to July 02 when he left Korea headed to KY to pack his stuff and leave his wife. Before you judge me I knew nothing of her until March of 02. On her birthday in March he called and told her he had fell in love and it was over for them...EHHHH thats of no consequence either. Our relationship taught us what love could be, should be, and what you dont want it to be...the lesson is beautiful.
Alas after I broke up with Alpha I mourned every day for 4 months-one of my best friends was in Iraq, my other bestie had just gotten married and one of them i didnt even bother consulting because i knew she wouldnt get it (but in retrospect, she would have been the only one to get it actually). I dont remember eating much, but sleep came easy...pop two percocets and drink a beer -I became addicted (addiction is real people) and the Army stayed supplying the good drugs.
The whole point is I wrote a letter to myself, telling me to get it together..that yes life seemed a mess but it seemed a mess because thats the side I chose to look at. I had my WHOLE life in front of me and felt like dying all over love. Ive accomplished some great things since then :) And all because I knew that 'This Too Shall Pass' in the midst of it all I was disgruntled and angry but i knew if I kept moving it would really get better. A lot of people dont believe that adage but it is indeed the truth. You cant call yourself 'Faithful and Trusting in his infinite wisdom' if you dont actually have faith that God works all things out and that he's the only one you can trust.
I remember after I broke up with him I was so hurt...I put on a strong face for the world but inside I thought I was going to die. I remember putting on a strong face exiting my bedroom with a smile on my face, kissing my son and my mother and telling my father Have a Blessed Day and the tears falling down my face as i walked down the stairs to my car. This pain is so fresh Im crying as I type. I broke up with him, some would say I should have dissolved the situation much earlier and some say we should have never been together in the first place. Doesnt matter because we were together...and when it was good it was GREAT and when it was bad it was the WORST. I think I was 'In Love' and to this day Im not quite sure but I accept everything in my life as an adventure and this is not the exception. You learn a lot from everything IF you're paying attention...
Anyway, we met in October 2001 in Korea-we were the POWER Couple and the most VOLATILE. Our history is of no real value except for to say..We loved each other and from Oct 01 to July 03 we were all we had. Korea was so far away from reality though...we found love in a hopeless place. We shared my twin bed in my barracks room from December 01 to July 02 when he left Korea headed to KY to pack his stuff and leave his wife. Before you judge me I knew nothing of her until March of 02. On her birthday in March he called and told her he had fell in love and it was over for them...EHHHH thats of no consequence either. Our relationship taught us what love could be, should be, and what you dont want it to be...the lesson is beautiful.
Alas after I broke up with Alpha I mourned every day for 4 months-one of my best friends was in Iraq, my other bestie had just gotten married and one of them i didnt even bother consulting because i knew she wouldnt get it (but in retrospect, she would have been the only one to get it actually). I dont remember eating much, but sleep came easy...pop two percocets and drink a beer -I became addicted (addiction is real people) and the Army stayed supplying the good drugs.
The whole point is I wrote a letter to myself, telling me to get it together..that yes life seemed a mess but it seemed a mess because thats the side I chose to look at. I had my WHOLE life in front of me and felt like dying all over love. Ive accomplished some great things since then :) And all because I knew that 'This Too Shall Pass' in the midst of it all I was disgruntled and angry but i knew if I kept moving it would really get better. A lot of people dont believe that adage but it is indeed the truth. You cant call yourself 'Faithful and Trusting in his infinite wisdom' if you dont actually have faith that God works all things out and that he's the only one you can trust.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Caught Up In The Wrong Things
First let me say I stole this from someone else....One Ms. Kisha Princess Day but its still a good read and an important lesson for all relationships---friendship, family etc.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. i suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconscio usly I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’ s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divotrce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have afever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction it would have on our son, in case we pushed through with the divorce. —At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. THE SMALL DETAILS OF YOUR LIVES ARE WHAT REALLY MATTER IN A RELATIONSHIP. "IT'S NOT" the Mansion or House, the Car, Property, the Money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Most of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up... YOU DONT REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE!!
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. i suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconscio usly I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’ s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divotrce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have afever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction it would have on our son, in case we pushed through with the divorce. —At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. THE SMALL DETAILS OF YOUR LIVES ARE WHAT REALLY MATTER IN A RELATIONSHIP. "IT'S NOT" the Mansion or House, the Car, Property, the Money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Most of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up... YOU DONT REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE!!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Its Over
 |
| Batman and I Jan 2002 (Korea) |
Friday, September 16, 2011
IM BAAAAAACK!!!!
I guess I got my Swagga back #Truth
I dont love you hoes and Im back on my toes. Im seeing through all the games and the lies---- Do Me a Favor, Dont Do Me No Favors *Say Cheese*
Just Random
So im sitting in class and since I already know most of this perfunctory UNIX stuff im of course bs'n around checking email and virtual shopping. Im so A.D.D its ridiculous. Im so excited to be back in class and be moving forward with my life. My job ends on 9.15 and although some ppl would be depressed because it is a recession, Im nonplussed. All I can say about that is my years in the military werent for naught and those 6 yrs 3 months and 9 days are surely coming in handy right now. Thank ya UNCLE SAM! Im taking my first certification class starting 9.26 A+/Network+ FINALLY. Ive only been dragging my feet for 2 yrs on starting these certs...shhhh dont tell Chris or he will kill me.
My son will be playing football for PHS this year and I cant wait for the first game to sit out there and cheer my baby boi on!
Moving right along...im feeling some type of way about not going to Vegas to be w/ a friend of mine for her nuptials behind what I see now as a minor dispute. I cant get that memory back and I feel ultra fucked up about it. Now what I will say is I hate that my position in life seems to always be the bigger person. I have to be the most understanding and forgiving all the time and IT SUCKS!!! Doesnt help my bipolar disorder (not documented in any records lol, no medication yet) one bit. On the one hand of course I always want to be compromising and on the other hand Im mean as a rattlesnake but I try to keep that part buried especially with ppl I love simply because you never want to hurt the ones you love but they so often end up being the ones who hurt you the most. Ehhhhh... Im rambling. One thing that i wanted to commit to memory before I post/publish is I hate when you find out information about ppl that are your 'friends' via Social Networking sites instead of through their mouths... smh. Oh well is my Winter time attitude! Fall/Winter promise to be pretty interesting and entertaining and of course my attitude is FULLY conducive :) Let the Games Begin!
My son will be playing football for PHS this year and I cant wait for the first game to sit out there and cheer my baby boi on!
Moving right along...im feeling some type of way about not going to Vegas to be w/ a friend of mine for her nuptials behind what I see now as a minor dispute. I cant get that memory back and I feel ultra fucked up about it. Now what I will say is I hate that my position in life seems to always be the bigger person. I have to be the most understanding and forgiving all the time and IT SUCKS!!! Doesnt help my bipolar disorder (not documented in any records lol, no medication yet) one bit. On the one hand of course I always want to be compromising and on the other hand Im mean as a rattlesnake but I try to keep that part buried especially with ppl I love simply because you never want to hurt the ones you love but they so often end up being the ones who hurt you the most. Ehhhhh... Im rambling. One thing that i wanted to commit to memory before I post/publish is I hate when you find out information about ppl that are your 'friends' via Social Networking sites instead of through their mouths... smh. Oh well is my Winter time attitude! Fall/Winter promise to be pretty interesting and entertaining and of course my attitude is FULLY conducive :) Let the Games Begin!
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